Hillbillies have a way of comparing some human characteristics and actions to those of animals (aka "critters" or "varmints", themselves corruptions of "creatures" and "vermin"). In many cases, the comparisons are an insult to the animal kingdom.

One such is frequently used in reference to sech varmints as used car salesmen and them politicians up in Worshington. That expression is "crooked as a dog’s hine laig"—i.e. the person has very few ethics or morals when it comes to business dealings. When the dubiousness of their dealings is especially egregious, the expression becomes "crookeder’n a dog’s hine laig." And that, my dears, is pretty dang crooked.

Another expression that would be appropriate when sech a varmint jumps at an especially crooked business deal, or when a person takes exception to some comment made by another person, or even when a person finds another exceptionally attractive is "He [or she] jumped on that like a chicken on a June bug." June bugs are actually called "may beetles" but we refer to them as June bugs because they show up in late June when blackberries start to ripen. Chickens find them irresistible morsels.

Chickens figure into other expressions as well. No doubt you’ve heard "runnin’ round like a chicken with its head cut off" to express being extremely busy; in that case, it’s the accent more than anything that makes it distinctly hillbilly. Another is the end result of what happens to them varmints what’s crookeder’n a dog’s hine laig when their evildoin’ catches up to them: "them chickens is come home to roost." (Auntie uses another expression, learned from her mother, that "what goes over a dog’s back comes up under its belly". In other words, fellers, yer done an’ in trouble when that happens.)

Small, feisty people of either sex can be referred to as "banty" (i.e. bantam) "roosters", supposedly more aggressive than their larger counterparts. More problematic is referring to a woman as being like "an old broody hen"—a hen who is sitting on eggs or protecting newly hatched chicks—when she turns feisty.

And then of course, there is the immortal expression for taking precautions after the fact: "lockin’ the henhouse when the fox is done gone." Related expressions involve hawks—"lockin’ up the henhouse when the hawk’s done gone" and mules—"lockin’ the barn when the mule done got out."

In hillbilly, the expression "pretty as a picture" somehow got transmogrified long long ago into "purty as a speckled pup in the sunshine." Lord knows how.

Frogs and toads figure into several expressions. One my late dad used to describe a hard rain was "toadstrangler." Another, for when a person is all puffed up with pride or indignation, is "swole up like a toad". One of Professor Mom’s favorites, usually used when Blackadder trys to convince her that of all the pitiful critters in the world, he’s the pitifullest, is "Now why are you a-blinkin’ at me like a frog in a hailstorm?" (Before you ask, no. She apparently learned that one from her parents and grandparents.) An answer to a question about how one is feeling on a given day is "fine as frog hair." That expression is used in Catherine Marshall’s book CHRISTY, which is set in 1912. Since frogs have no hair, reckon a body coud’n be no finer.

Somewhat related to "swole up like a toad" to express indignation or pouting is "sulled up like a possum". Possums, that marsupial more often seen as roadkill than living, also literally gave rise to "playing possum"—rolling over and playing dead to avoid trouble. And when a hillbilly finds something funny but the situation is such that laughing out loud is not a good idea, he "grins like a possum." He also occasionally "grins like a mule eatin’ sawbriars." I never really figured out why those low-growing, slashing thorns that grew wild in pastures in the old days were such delicacies for mules, but I ain’t a-gonna argy with my ancestors.

From hunters who chase their prey with dogs, we get "runnin’ a sight race". Beagles running rabbits frequently do this: they run heads up and baying rather than noses to the ground, tracking by sight rather than scent. Sort of like runnin’ to a shoe sale in town, ladies? (^_~)

Grandparents, when asked about the behavior of their grandchildren, will invariably reply, "they’re mean as a striped snake." This is merely a variation on "mean as a rattlesnake", but a word of warning here: this expression is a privilege strictly accorded to the actual grandparents. If you tell said grandparents the same thing ABOUT their grandkids, you’re liable t’ git an ol’-fashioned butt-whuppin’.

Another expression uses snakes to describe a lazy person: "why, he wood’n strike a lick at a snake." Even if he were in danger of being bitten.

Someone who is angry or embarassed is occasionally described, for their flushed face, as "redder’n a turkey gobbler’s snout" (i.e. wattle).

And last but not least, my favorite of them all, used to refer to wet or icy roads: "slicker’n owl grease." It’s a euphemism, Professor Mom tells me, for "slicker’n sh*t."

Now y’all take this lesson t’ heart. There will be a midterm. (^_~) And until next time, class dismissed.